Well this is Unexpected...

In an unexpected turn of events, I haven't been on any bad dates in awhile. Because I've started dating someone "on the steady." (that's what the cool kids say, right? I'm so not hip and with it anymore.)

As you probably have figured out, this fellow is the one I went on all the good dates with. While it isn't SUPER SERIOUS or anything yet, I like where this is going. Namely because:

1. He saved bubble wrap for me to pop.
2. He did not make (much) fun of me when I took my allergy medicine before dinner and forgot that it would react with a mojito and I almost fell asleep at the restaurant.
3. Cooked me breakfast for dinner (which is a win in ANY book).
4. An assortment of other reasons.

I don't know what will become of this blog now. It may go on hiatus and resurface (but let's be honest, I really hope not), it may never need to be written again, I have no clue. I thought about digging into the archives of my mind brain and trying to think of some bad dates from years past (one time I got gifted poop in a bag on accident. that would be a good post, probably?).

Maybe I should pass it off to someone else who needs to vent/entertain? We'll see where this goes and like everything else I'm doing, I'll just take it one day at a time....

How to Woo Me

Here is a list of things that a person could do to win me over. This is not comprehensive and may not apply to every person out there. But. It's the little things, amiright?

1. Pump gas for me. This happened to me recently and completely blew my mind. I offered to drive myself and a gentleman to dinner, bc I'm a grown ass woman, but I had to stop and get gas on the way because the light had been on for three days at that point and it seemed like maybe it might be a good idea. You could have knocked me over with a feather when he got out of the car to pump the gas. I'm pretty sure I even asked "what in the hell are you doing?" because this is not something that has ever happened to me before. But it impressed me very much.

2. Ask me how my day went 1) because you remember that I mentioned I had a presentation/meeting/whatever coming up that could be important and 2) actually listen to my response. At the end of the day I really like my job and the people I work with, so I often talk about it all. Sometimes it's crazy and I need to vent. It's nice to be able talk about it. Even if you don't care, even if you are just faking being interested, it's better than getting a glazed look and not so subtly looking at your phone.

3. It is stereotypical, but seriously one of the nicest things you can do is send someone flowers. This goes for anyone. I love getting flowers and I love sending flowers. I try to send flowering plants more than cut stems bc in theory you can keep them longer.  But sometimes, flowers with the sales tag still from Krogers on them goes a lot further than a fancy dinner or heart shaped jewelry.

4. Never buy heart shaped jewelry. Never. Other jewelry is fine. Ask a friend if you need help.

5. Tolerate my dogs. I know that they are assholes. I live with them. I KNOW. But if I'm on a date and someone says "I'm not a dog person" I pretty much automatically write them off. My dogs are my family, and I'm going to choose them over most people. Even if they do eat my remotes.

6. Find a common interest and do something related to it. Even if that common interest is as simple as loving macaroni and cheese, there are Mac'n'Cheese charity cook-offs that you can attend. That sounds like a top ten perfect date to me.

Well now I'm completely derailed by visions of cheesy pasta, so I'll have to finish this post at a later date and time.

My Bad

I won't blame all my bad experiences on the other person. I make my fair share of dating errors. I'm really awful at first impressions (to the point that I went ahead and wrote that in my profile, because I am REALLY REALLY bad at first impressions) because I get really sarcastic and people don't yet understand my humor. So here is a collection of dumbass things I personally have said on first dates.


1. I was in Huntington visiting some friends when I agreed to meet up with a guy I'd been chatting with for awhile. He met up with us at a jazz festival and he and I agreed to go to dinner. As I was leaving, I said to my friends within his hearing (because I thought it was funny) "If you don't hear from me by 10pm, he probably killed me and left me in a ditch."  My friend texted me two minutes later asking if it was a serious concern of mine, bc they could follow us to the restaurant. The guy also made sure that I checked in with them periodically because apparently he was worried that he'd get the law called on him. The dinner was nice at least, I do like Indian food.

2. A few summers ago I played in a rec soccer league and was actually eating well, so I was in the best shape I had been in in quite awhile. A guy complimented my overall looks and I said "don't worry, once summer is over I'll go back to being fat and sassy." Which, wasn't a total lie? But maybe not the best way to win someone over.

3. When finding out you have many things in common, DO NOT say "wow, you could be my brother."  Because unless he is Joe Dirt, no one wants to date their sister.

4. "I can smell the gasoline leaking from your piece of shit car and it's giving me a headache." 

5. "I'm not really competitive" as I get pissed off and hit the putt-putt golfball completely across the parking lot.

6. "I'm ok with watching the prison show. I like when they tell you how they make shanks."

7. "I punched a clown at Cedar Point once."

8. "I really thought getting an English degree was a great idea."

9. "I work for the government. I really would have to kill you if I told you exactly what I do. And it's getting harder to hide the bodies."

10. "I hate Steelers fans."

Huffington Post Gets Me

Here is a link of a collection of bad online dating pickup lines. I've heard some variation of many of these.  There are so many winners trolling the internet, y'all.

Hemorrhoids

One weekend, the same guy from the last post managed to stay awake long enough to travel to visit me. Believe me, you should be shocked by this, I was.

All day he was acting weird, and I couldn't figure out why. We went out to lunch at one of my favorite places and the whole time he looked sick and kept squirming around. I finally got annoyed by his behavior and asked him what the hell was going on.

Turns out he had hemorrhoids.

(It's a good thing I don't mention people's names in here, bc I'm sure I'd get a lot more hate than I already do)

Because I am an immature, 12 year old boy, I start laughing. and not just laughing, cackling would be a more accurate description. Tears coming and everything. Which did not win me any points with this guy.

Side note: beginning to realize a lot of my experiences involve buttholes. This is not comforting)

I took him to the pharmacy to get butt medicine and I couldn't even go in the store because again, immature.

He spent the whole weekend laying on my couch. I spent the whole weekend making fun of him.

We did not last long.

Dating Rip Van Winkle

Last year I was semi-seriously (I thought it was serious, I learned later that he did not) dating this guy in a long distance type situation. We saw each other only on weekends, which, at the time, I was fine with. I had a lot going on and I was finally living without a roommate again and I just wanted to enjoy some me time.

This guy was a nice enough guy. His major fault though was that he would sleep half his weekend away. It wouldn't be uncommon for him to wake up sometime after noon.

I haven't been able to sleep past 9:30 in years. I feel like I've wasted a whole day if I'm still in bed at 10. Maybe I really am becoming an old lady.

One weekend I had made plans with some friends for a birthday lunch. And not even an early lunch. More like an early dinner, if anything. I was going to bring this guy along and do the big introduction (because remember, I thought things were serious). His house was on the way to the restaurant, so I  offered to stop and pick him up.  He even set an alarm early and I talked to him to make sure he would be up and ready.

When I get to his house I texted from the car. I got no answer.

So I called. I got no answer.

I assume maybe he's in the bathroom finishing getting ready. It's a nice day outside so I decide to go sit on the porch steps and wait a few.

I wait for half an hour.

In this half hour I texted 48 times. I called 62 times (because at this point I'm just getting progressively more mad and keep hitting redial to make a point). I try banging on the front door, bedroom window. I get LOOKS from the neighbors bc here I am a crazy person.

So I got mad and left.

An hour and a half later I get a text. He "guesses" he accidentally fell back asleep. Didn't I try knocking on the bedroom window?

I didn't go back for him because at that point I probably would have thrown my shoe at him. Being on time is something that is VERY important to me... if I'm not ten minutes early for something, I am flustered. And to have been stood up because someone took an accidental nap at 1pm is not acceptable in my book.

I went on to the birthday lunch and had a great time with my friends.

The relationship, for what it was, did not last long past this date. For a variety of reasons. But the sleeping issue was a top five factor.

Forgot to Tell Me One Little Thing....

I once dated a guy who was married. He forgot to tell me this tiny detail for about four months. I knew that he had been dating someone before we started hanging out, but assured me they weren't dating anymore.

When later confronted about this, he said that he wasn't lying when he said that. They weren't dating. Ok, no, you're not dating, you're something a whole lot more serious than dating.

From this experience, and a mixed bag of other dating tragedies, I am more than a little wary when it comes to trusting people. I don't know whether I have bad luck or just attract the really special ones out there, or if I just come across as a sucker. All these things are possible.

I joke that I've had to modify my list of wants when it comes to dating. You'd not think I would need this, but #1 on the list is, and will remain, Has No Significant Other.

That story really is all there is to the post, because other aspects of that relationship (and I use that term loosely) probably will become their own blog posts. But since I started typing out my list, I might as well finish it. Who knows, maybe you know someone who fits the bill.


1. Has No Significant Other
2. No apparent meth habit
3. No other drug habit/alcohol problem
4. My level of crazy (bc you can't really expect people to not be crazy, but if you're relatively the same level of crazy then things tend to work out)
5. Has job. This doesn't have to be a six figure salary job. It just has to be something that they enjoy or is a stepping stone to get them to the job they want, and enough money to take care of themselves.
6. Likes dogs. Bc I will choose my pets over you if it comes down to it.
7. Can have an intelligent conversation and go to cultural type things without bitching about being bored.
8. Can also sit around in pajamas watching every episode of Locked Up Abroad while living on cheetos and ice cream and call that a not-bad date.
9. Knows enough about cars to help me figure out what all the lights that keep flashing on my dashboard mean and whether or not it actually is an emergency.
10. Has a decent relationship with their family. As it turns out, the older I get the more important my family is to me, and I want that to be a thing that is also important.
11. Good sense of humor
12. Fiscally responsible (bc I suck at money)


That's the bare bones list. Yes there are other things on the list. Completely subjective, dumb things. But they can be outweighed by things on the list. And I feel like this is a very responsible, adult like list. If you asked me even just ten years ago what my list was, it would be very stupid. Probably something like Money, Abs, Smells Nice (although smelling good is very very very important. But then so is someone who is willing to do the weed eating at my house because I'm irrationally afraid that I'm going to accidentally cut all of my toes off.)

So. I'll just throw that out there and see if anything sticks.