Fancy Dining

I went to dinner the other night at a "nice" local restaurant.

Living in a college town, you forget that there are "nice" places. I still get excited when there is a special on wings and a pitcher of margarita is on sale. I had a corndog (ok, two) for lunch today, and I'M NOT  ONLY SLIGHTLY SORRY.

When preparing to go to a "nice" dinner, I had that moment of sheer panic that I get when I remember that I am in no way fancy. I am jeans and a sweater and a 90% chance that my socks don't match. As we speak I'm not even 100% convinced my underwear is on the right way. So to go to a fancy dinner is, in fact, a big deal for me.

After trying on ever dress in stores in town, I remembered that I hate dresses. I think there was only one small window of time in my life where I enjoyed dresses, and it wasn't even a dress, it was a purple tutu.

that's me on the far left, with the unfortunate glasses and the look of pure contentment.

I quickly began bargaining with myself over clothes. I didn't have to wear a dress or skirt if I at least wore high heels and curled my hair. I could do this. I'm not total shit at walking in heels and I only usually burn myself once or twice when trying to curl my hair. This was a fair trade off. I would even slap on some lipstick and call it a day.

So I get picked up and we go to the nice restaurant. It really is nice. This is not a lie. It has a lovely view of the river (which wasn't smelly that day, which is always a major plus) and is fancy without anyone turning their nose up at you. But the menu nearly made me cower under the table.

I don't know if you've picked up on it yet, but I'm pretty low key. I like low key foods. I don't mind trying new things, but I'm not good with the unexpected. And EVERYTHING on the menu was unexpected. This place is one of those places that the food changes daily at the whim of the chef. And the foods aren't normal things. There is no 'steak plus fries' or 'chicken plus fries'. There is 'fancy type of steak that I cannot remember plus lime riced cauliflower plus some sauce that feels like alfredo but does not taste like alfredo' or 'eggplant that has an assortment of things that dont sound like they should ever go together ever.'  even the burger special was a buffalo burger with horseraddish and brussels sprouts and aioli and tears from baby seals. (possible slight exaggeration on the last ingredient).

Being a fancy place, the prices were also fancy. And even though I knew this dinner was getting paid for by someone else, I didn't want to be a total dickbag and get the most expensive thing on the menu that sounded ok. I also didn't want to get the cheapest thing on the menu bc then it's obvious what you are trying to do. And also bc the cheapest thing was a salad and if I'm going to curl my hair for fancy dinner, then you best believe my meal is gonna involve meat.

So I got the mid-range priced fancy steak.

Maybe I go to chain restaurants too often, but when I think of steak for dinner, I think it will be a decent sized slab of meat. At least halfish of a plate. I'd already planned to take the other half home for lunch the next day, and was congratulating myself for being so frugal. So when my dinner arrived, I was very confused.

Bc I forgot that at fancy restaurants, you don't actually go to eat the food. You go to witness the artwork that happens to be made of edible parts. Sure, it comes on a big plate. That's just a better canvas for their masterpiece. It's like the Mona Lisa of meat. Have you ever seen how small the Mona Lisa is in real life?

So after cutting up four bites of steak into 24 bites of steak just to have something to do for more than eight seconds of eating, I already determined that I would be getting Taco Bell once the date was over. Don't get me wrong, I was having a really really great time on the date. But I was also really REALLY hungry. I jumped at the chance when the date suggested we get dessert. I love dessert and if I got dessert, maybe I would only eat one taco later instead of two. So we ordered cheesecake TO SHARE bc that's what you do on dates.

Only you don't do it at fancy restaurants bc the cheesecake comes out and it's the size of an oreo.

An. Oreo.

It was the most fucking depressing thing I had ever seen. Have you ever tried to SHARE an oreo? No, you haven't, because that would be stupid.

I DID NOT CURL MY HAIR TO EAT TINY CHEESECAKE. I don't even know whether or not it was delicious because it was too small to actually taste.

If I hadn't had enjoyed the company so much, it would have fallen under a bad date category. But I did have a great time and I hope to do so again soon. And if I'm being honest, I'll probably go back there at some point for another fancy date. But for $7, I will skip dessert and go buy myself a gallon of milk and two packages of oreos.