When I first got into online dating, I tried the free sites. Partly bc I was just out of college and poor, partly because i hadn't really bought into the idea yet. I was clueless and didn't realize that the free sites were mainly geared toward people who just want to get laid. Meaningful relationship seekers need not apply; We're going to pound town.
Now, on most of these, you can set your age preferences and it will, in theory, try to filter to your specified settings. I set my over/under at three years younger/ six years older. I felt like that was pretty fair; hopefully it would catch a range of people who like me were either just starting their "real" jobs but also weren't four times divorced with three different baby mamas, cruising toward retirement.
So I get a message from someone who's screenname was something about Volleyball, with an assortment of numbers. I don't remember specifically. I could tell immediately that I wasn't going to be interested because his age was listed at 35 years older than me. Sorry, but I don't want to date someone my parents' age. Unless you have recently won the mega millions lotto and have no other family to inherit the money. Then we could talk.
He also looked vaguely like the CryptKeeper.
Why don't I remember the CryptKeeper ever wearing a Hawaiian shirt?
I decided I at least wanted to open the email and see what this guy had to say, bc it surely had to be entertaining. And I was right!
It basically informed me of all the dangers of online dating, how young girls like me were wont to fall victim to scams and evil men, and how we needed to be protected and take care of ourselves. That online dating "wasn't much different than meeting guys in bars... they all want one thing." (a Bud Lite and a extra pepperoni pizza...right?). He then offered to save me from these terrible situations by inviting me over to play volleyball.
I can't even make this shit up.
His theory went as follows: He invites many people over to play volleyball all the time. This was a SAFE and FRIENDLY environment in which to meet people. Located a mere 45 minutes outside of town on some road that does not show up on GPS.
So. let us examine this.
Invites probably means kidnaps.
Play volleyball surely equals "ties up in basement".
And the safe and friendly environment is probably something out of that Saw movie that I tried to watch once and left ten minutes in because having my Achilles tendons sliced is a top ten biggest fear.
The best part, THE BEST PART. is that I'm not the only person who has been sent this email. I know not one, but two other people who have been invited over for sports and leisure.
Clearly if he read my profile, the closest thing I do to athletics is get drunk at baseball games. Sorry Volleyball Willy, this game is not for me.
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