Anal Fissures

No, you read that title correctly.


Over the winter I went on a few days with a Correctional Officer. You should know now that if you call a Correctional Officer a "prison guard" then you will get a 15 minute lecture on how that is not the correct term. The short of it is: guards are people who guard precious/important things, and mobsters who are in jail for liquifying people in barrels do not qualify as precious or important.

So. The CO. He seemed intelligent on the internet (mistake) so we met up for coffee. Conversation was awkward, but I feel like that is to be expected the first time you meet someone. Right? I should have known this situation was going downhill when he berated me for not liking the Steelers.

For those of you who don't know, in these parts, you are either an ultra-fan of the Steelers, or you are nothing. Which definitely factors into my dating situation in ways my therapist has yet to explain.

I decided that the coffee meet-up wasn't a total waste of time, and accepted an offer for dinner. I like dinner, and this guy hadn't totally put me off, so hey, why not?

A few days later we meet up at the local Lebanese place (which I heartily recommend, especially if someone else is paying as it is a bit pricy). As I begin to eat (my weight in) delicious hummus, I ask him how work went that day. That's a normal get-to-know someone question, right? If you asked me that I would say it was fine, had a report due, client meeting, other snooze-worthy responses.

I did not anticipate the anal fissures.

For the next 45 minutes I got to hear, in depth, about his coworkers accident resulting in anal fissures. Do you know what anal fissures are? DO YOU? It was the most horrifying thing I have ever heard. Remember, this fellow works at a maximum security prison. I'm sure if you google "anal fissures.jail" you'll find some pretty fucked up stuff, and I would say that would be accurate as to what I learned.

ANAL FISSURES.

I just needed to stress those words, because I heard them many times over what should have been a really great dinner of chicken with some sort of pine nut stuff.  But when your date talks about ANAL FISSURES, and not even his own anal fissures but someone elses anal fissures, you feel like you need to leave immediately. and then scrub yourself. with bleach. and a wire brush. because ew.

Needless to say, there was not a follow-up date.

Why? Because ANAL.FISSURES.