I don't know why so many of my stories involve buttholes. This is probably something I should talk to a therapist about.
I have this theory, that diarrhea can get you out of anything. But it's one of those things you have to reserve for particularly bad situations, bc if you cry wolf too many times, well... you're gonna end up shitting yourself.
A friend of mine was on a particularly bad date awhile back, with an Average White Guy of her own. She texted me from the bathroom and was telling me how terrible it was. I told her she should use the excuse of having diarrhea to leave.
Because think about it. No one is going to question diarrhea. And chances are, no one is going to ask you on a second date if you talk about diarrhea, and therefore you don't have to have the awkward "thanks, but no thanks" conversation.
You don't even have to use the word "diarrhea" if you don't want. If you just say something like "stomach troubles" and make the "I'm in some serious pain in this area" hand gestures, then they will get the idea.
If you want to really commit to this, you make sure the date is to a Chinese restaurant. You've got a 20 minute window to work with.
I once went on a date where I was getting over food poisoning. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings and I had fried pickles. I spent a lot of time in the bathroom. Unsurprisingly, never heard from him again.
This whole post is messed up, but if anything, I know my friend Dawn will get a laugh out of it.
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