Are You Going to Heaven?

I almost feel bad about making a post on this one...but it was so ridiculous that I have to. I think it falls officially under the title "Worst Date Ever. EVER."

I started talking to a guy online who seemed like a nice, upstanding citizen. He has a job, volunteers with his church teaching a foreign language to adults and teaches the little kids Sunday school classes, enjoys working out and being outdoors. These are all positives in my book. And, he was cute. Sorry, but let's face it, cute is a big selling point.

We agreed to meet up for dinner at one of my favorite local restaurants. I'd been looking forward to it all day, because this guy seemed like a winner AND I was going to get a burrito filled with pineapple.  He was waiting out front for me when I arrived and smiled that smile that makes your guts go all mushy. I was REALLY looking forward to this.

We ordered our food (the same thing! It's meant to be!!) and sat down for the normal first-time-meeting awkward chitchat.

Or so I thought.

The first thing he asked me was If I knew I was going to heaven when I died.

plays that record scratching sound

This is not a question that is on the acceptable list of first date opener questions.  The list includes:

1) How was work today?
2) How was your weekend?
3) Have you seen any good movies lately?
4) Has your dog eaten anything weird in the last few days? (Yes, my tv remote, thank you for asking.)

When asked whether or not you KNOW if you're going to heaven upon death, 9 out of 10 times you immediately question whether or not this person is going to murder you and wear your skin like a suit. Or maybe that's just where my mind goes.

This guy did not want to kill me. However, he was concerned with my everlasting soul. Which, ok. That's nice. I appreciate that someone is concerned with my spiritual well being.

So I said yes, I do believe I am. Not going too far into my personal religious beliefs here, but I'm comfortable with where I stand in the great scheme of life. I said as such to this gentleman. Apparently, I did not give the correct answer.

For the next half hour (meaning: how long it took me to hoover down my delicious burrito) I was extensively quoted scripture as to why I was a heathen and my beliefs are skewed. I know at one point I had to just be sitting there, staring, with my mouth hanging open. I had never experienced this before.  It's hard to enjoy dinner when you're told you are going to hell.  He then started into hypothetical situations, I assume to test the strength of my faith. I had mentioned in a previous conversation that a dear friend of mine recently had a baby and I was very excited to get to spoil this child. He used this in one of his scenarios. "If a man comes and murders your friend's baby, but he is already saved, he is going to heaven. How do you feel about this?"

excuse me, what?

WHAT?!

Did we really just talk about hypothetical baby murder? Over a pineapple burrito? Jesus, take the wheel.

The gentleman did not seem to appreciate my answer to this question, which was "I would be FUCKING PISSED."

Clearly it went downhill from there. I attempted to change the subject and ask him about his working out routine, bc he had mentioned he does CrossFit. I've found that, much like the Steelers, people either live and breathe CrossFit or think it is dumb. This guy fell in the former. He proceeded to ask me about my own workout regime, and I proudly told him how I have recently gotten back in the gym and have a trainer and am really focusing on my health.

Apparently because this does not involve CrossFit, it does not count. He proceeded to tell me that because the exercises I do have no "real life application" that they were a waste of time. I responded with that I didn't really see where flipping tractor tires would apply to any of my real-life situations, and would be sticking with what I'm doing.

I might as well have two heads.

Needless to say, the date quickly wrapped up from there. We did the awkward goodbye and parted ways. Shortly thereafter I received a text saying that "while it was nice to meet you, I do not feel we are a good match."

It took everything in me not to respond with "NO SHIT."  Instead I wished him the best of luck.


If nothing else, I know I've got a stranger praying for my soul, and frankly at this point, I can use all the prayers I can get.