Jeepers Creepers, Where'd you get those Peepers?

This did not happen to me, but to a friend. I can feel her pain, and wanted to share because it is a very common thing when internet dating.

I've quickly realized that some people approach online dating in a very different way than I do. I look at profiles and try to decide if there might be a meaningful connection there somewhere. According to most internet trolls, I should be throwing shit out there and just seeing what sticks.

Many guys (and gals) seem to have a standard "go to" introductory email. More than once I've seen a sub-par play on the "Call Me Maybe" lyrics.  What's crazy here, sir, is that you think your rhyming abilities will get you laid. The Cat in the Hat called, and he is appalled. (see what I did there?)

So back to my friend. She's a great girl, and decided to get on one of the free dating sites just for fun. She put up one picture and a brief profile, just to see what would happen.  This one guy, we will call him Troll, sent her a message about how he was really drawn to her beautiful eyes and it made him really want to get to know her on a deeper level because her eyes were those of an old soul or some garbage like that.

Now, that is true and all, my friend does have really beautiful eyes. However, her picture was something like this:

Note: this is not my friend. This is a representation. However, if someone out there wanted to buy me these glasses, I wouldn't be opposed to it.


That's correct. In the photo, you could not see my friend's beautiful eyes. You could see her beautiful Oakley sunglasses, but not her beautiful eyes. 

PEOPLE. If you are going to hit on someone, at least take the thirty seconds to make sure the line you are throwing out is relevant. This will significantly increase your chances of getting laid.

I will help you now, with a fill-in-the-blank type email.

Hello!

My name is NAME and I wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed your profile. Specifically, the part about PICK A WORD FROM PROFILE.  I too enjoy SAME WORD. I hope this isn't too forward, but I find your PICK A FEATURE OTHER THAN BOOBS to be very striking. I would love the opportunity to get to know you. Please take a minute to look over my profile and if you think we could hit it off, feel free to send me a  message. I would love to hear from you.

SOME SORT OF WITTY LINE HERE.

NAME


You're welcome internet. May you get all the bitches.